Its been a while since I shared a little bit of my heart. Mainly due to the fact that my daughter, who I love dearly, HATES to nap! So blog posting has taken an unfortunate hit since we were blessed with her presence. All that said, it’s a Sunday--- so daddy is home and mommy gets to blog and share a little with you today.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mom. I remember as a child, “feeding” my babies as my mom fed my sister. I would change their diapers, find babysitters for them as I went off to play, and yes they did require their own car seat in the car. (my poor parents… they were so patient!) My desire to be a mom only grew as I got older. I nannied for various families, and could not wait til the day I got to care for my own littles. I desired to teach my kids everything from their “abc’s and 1,2,3’s” to a strong and powerful understanding of the “Fathers” love. I desired to be a part of it all, not wanting to miss out on a single milestone or minute in their development.
A year ago, when the word “pregnant” appeared on a home pregnancy test, I was elated. It was like a dream come true. However, there was another part to my dream. I always dreamed of being a loving, supportive and “submissive” wife. I know that word submissive seems so archaic to some, but it’s always been a strong conviction on my heart. To find a husband who would lead me so well that I could and would follow him with utter trust and security. I found that man. My husband leads our home in a compassionate, prayerful and amazing way. However, this became a little more challenge as the months of pregnancy passed. Matt is an amazing teacher and I strongly felt he was living out his God given purpose. With that, my dream of being home with my children dwindled. The struggle only grew with the birth of the most precious girl in the world!
So there I was---- caught between the “need” to be at home with my daughter and the conviction to support and submit to my husband. I was blessed with a five month maternity leave, and was loving each and every moment of it! However as the months, weeks, days and moments passed, my anxiety about returning to work and leaving my daughter only grew. I began experiencing insomnia which then led to panic attacks. I prayed regularly for the Lord to soften my heart towards returning to work and for him to fill me with his peace as time passed. As time ticked on, my anxiety continued to grow. I felt as though I was being ignored, as though I was not praying correctly or that for some reason I was just not being heard…. that was not the case. In my heart I knew that was not the case, but my reality still wasn’t changing and neither was my heart. Until I took Hannah in for her four month appointment.
At her appointment the topic of childcare for Hannah was brought up and my anxiety for returning to work was addressed and then something crazy happened. God pulled the blanket. He’d been planning something big, He’d kept a real good secret! He knew the whole time this day would change my life, change our life. I was offered a job. A 1.5 day a week job. Yes, I would get to spend the other 5.5 days in the week with my beautiful daughter. He has been listening, but just not answering in the way I wanted. He was not going to soften my heart, because He has better plans. He was going to change the situation!
God is so faithful, even in moments when I doubt or question. When I think He’s not listening… its really that I’m not trusting. I feel so blessed. I feel so lucky. I feel like I’ve been given the best gift ever… more time with my sweet girl. He has given peace to my heart, to my home and to my life. And because a post isn’t complete without some photos, here is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received! May your home be filled with peace this season and all year round!
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
