Humbled.

one. simple. word.

HUMBLED.

After my last post, my post where I felt like “hey, this is hard, there is a lot going on. But I’m treading and surviving.” Yea, that one. God, humbled me. I thought I was on my knees, I thought I was trusting, I thought I was in as deep as I could go---- I was not. We were not.

At thirty-three weeks and two days pregnant--- I went back to the doctor. This is the point where God decided to truly humble me. Upon examination, I had dilated more. A thirty-three weeks, I was already three to four centimeters dilated and contracting regularly. My test came back positive, meaning there was a thirty percent chance that Baby B would come with-in the next fourteen days. At that moment--- everything changed. I went from being more dependent to fully dependent upon everyone who surrounded me.

It hit me hard. I was mad. I was angry with God, and at certain moments I still am. This was going be my time with Hannah. My last few weeks to take her on mommy-hannah dates. Our last few weeks, just the two of us. It is not what I had envisioned. It was not what I wanted. And the worst part--- it was not in my control. If you know me at all, you’re probably aware that the two hardest things in the world for me include: accepting help and giving up control. And in that one day I lost all control and became completely dependent upon other people. In a heart beat I would drop anything for someone in need, bring them a meal, watch their kids, fold their laundry--- serve and love on them in whatever way was needed. But, being forced to accept that kind of help myself--- HUMBLED. CHALLENGED.

Although, I’m still challenged and each moment may bring a different emotion, I really cannot communicate the presence of God’s faithfulness. Today I am thirty-four weeks, and at a relatively safe point, which is amazing in and of itself. However, I would not be here without the help, love and prayers of so many people. Almost daily a different person has called and said, “im bringing dinner tonight, what do you want?” We have friends and family who love on our daughter for hours at a time, because I can’t. And number of messages of prayer and “I’m thinking of you’s” bring tears to my eyes. I am truly soooo blessed and so thankful to all of those who have surrounded us during this time.

There is one person though, who I will never be able to repay. My husband. He has stepped up in more ways than I could ever list. He is doing all of his normal tasks---- and taking on mine. He is playing mommy and daddy. He is being the rock for our family. I am soooo blessed by this man God led me to, and so thankful I get to share life with him. He is an amazing father, husband and man of God. Hands down, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be married to him. I know, blaaahhh. But, at this moment in time--- our house would not function without this man. He has not complained once, grumbled once--- but instead rubs my head as I cry, encourages me when I worry, and takes on all the responsibility of our home as though it was always his.

Without a doubt I know that because of this--- my marriage is stronger, my daughters relationship with her daddy is closer, the love we feel from those around us is evident, and maybe--- just maybe, I’m becoming a little better at giving up control.

So to everyone out there who has prayed for this baby, who has stepped-in to our lives in someway--- we are sooo very thankful for you. We are sooo very blessed by you. God has HUMBLED me, and your support means more then we could ever explain (but I had to try).

In too deep.

Sometimes life throws us curve balls. In all honesty I feel that when we are really following Him, we are thrown lots of curve balls. Cause lets be real, there is nothing the devil detest more--- then us living fully, whole heartedly, passionately for Him. The amazing thing about our God, is that he uses all our messiness and all our trials for good. He uses it to make us stronger, to make us more Christ-like, to make us grow and experience things that in the end we would never change. The world would tell you, “your in too deep,” but there is nowhere else we should be. Diving deep into life. Sometimes even to the point of treading water to glorify the Lord.

Right now, I’m treading. I have my mouth enough above the water to breath--- but enough of me submerged below to require full and utter trust in the Lord. Its hard. Its tiring. But its full of more blessings then I ever imagined.

Yesterday, we listed our house for sale. No, our new house has not begun construction yet. No, we have no idea when it will. But we are committed to downsizing. To moving to a place in life with less space, less stuff--- and more focus on His Glory. We want to be able to spend freely to bless others. We want to spend time in our home playing with our kids and teaching them about the Lord---- rather then constantly cleaning and “keeping up”. We want to manage our family, not our home. Through this we have been so incredibly blessed. I have amazing in-laws who are letting us live in their finished-garage, during our “in-between” time. Seriously, they are generous crazy enough to let myself, my husband, my 20month old daughter and a newborn live with them--- for an uncertain amount of time.

Just when when the world told us--- “youre in to deep.” Selling a house, moving, having a baby, moving again--- all with lots of uncertain timing. The Lord said--- “you’re not deep enough.” You’re trying to plan, you’re trying to prepare, you’re not fully trusting me in this.

Enter our curve ball.

Friday night I was sent to Labor and Delivery. I was sent there for what we thought was my water starting to break. Praise the Lord my water didn’t break and doesn’t appear to be leaking. However, I am already slightly dilated and contracting on a regular basis. After some testing there is some reassurance that Baby B “should not” enter the world during the next week and a half. However, with my progression and history of an early baby some lifestyle changes were required. This mama is now on minimal activity. That’s right, as little activity as possible, with a 19month old. Funny joke, huh? But once again we have been showered in blessings. People offering meals, offering to come play with our crazy fun loving girl, and offering up lots of prayers. We are grateful, we are overwhelmed, we are blessed.

So yes, by the worlds standards--- we “are in too deep.” Some may even say we are in over our heads. But I think we are right where we are supposed to be. Scare and overwhelmed. But right where we are supposed to be. We are in deep waters, we are treading. I am being stretched to accept more and do less. However--- I feel more blessed then I have in a long time. There is a popular song on Christian radio called “Oceans” by Hillsong. Its fitting for this season in life.

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

I must state that I would not feel this blessed--- if God hadn’t gifted me with an awesome husband. In the last three days, he has prepared our house to sell, stepped up and taken on the role of daddy and mommy, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more--- and most of all supported me unconditionally. I am so very blessed and in love with the man I married. I am a very lucky woman--- and more aware of that then ever before. So Matthew, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a man of God and over the past few days---- you have stored lots of treasures in heaven!

 

And because a post doesn’t feel complete with out pictures--- here are a few taken on my phone.

Nothing better then listening to your baby’s healthy heartbeat, while sipping on hospital ice and cranberry juice!

This is from today--- I came out of the bathroom to find my husband and quietly come in and made the bed. If you lived in my house--- you would know what a blessing this was. Yes, I cried. I blame it on the hormones.

Anticipation…

There is so much anticipation in pregnancy. Waiting to get to that “safe” point in pregnancy, waiting to see the baby in that first ultrasound, waiting to feel the baby move--- and biggest of all, waiting to meet your little and find out boy or girl! Ali is due at the end of the month with baby number two. With her first coming a little early--- we have been prepared to get a call all week at work, that Baby Cook is on the way! Until then we will wait in anticipation and take maternity photos!

I met Ali approximately 18months ago when bringing Hannah to the doctor. For a while she was one of our nurses--- now she’s a coworker and friend. It has been so much fun to go through pregnancy with someone (our due-dates are about a month apart). Today I was blessed to take some pictures of Ali and big sister Ila. It made for such a great morning. Both Ila and Ali were troopers with the occasional drops of rain, and we got some really great shots. I have no doubt in my mind that Ila is going to be a great big sister and that Ali will taking being a mommy of two littles in stride.

Ali--- thanks for being such a great coworker and friend. I am so very happy for you and cannot wait to meet your newest addition. Play dates with our little’s will be a must while we’re both out on leave in-between eating bon-bons and relaxing of course.

Isn’t she beautiful--- seriously, glowing.

This might be my very favorite.

Love these two--- the pictures and girls, of course!

Congratulations, Cook Family.