one. simple. word.
After my last post, my post where I felt like “hey, this is hard, there is a lot going on. But I’m treading and surviving.” Yea, that one. God, humbled me. I thought I was on my knees, I thought I was trusting, I thought I was in as deep as I could go---- I was not. We were not.
At thirty-three weeks and two days pregnant--- I went back to the doctor. This is the point where God decided to truly humble me. Upon examination, I had dilated more. A thirty-three weeks, I was already three to four centimeters dilated and contracting regularly. My test came back positive, meaning there was a thirty percent chance that Baby B would come with-in the next fourteen days. At that moment--- everything changed. I went from being more dependent to fully dependent upon everyone who surrounded me.
It hit me hard. I was mad. I was angry with God, and at certain moments I still am. This was going be my time with Hannah. My last few weeks to take her on mommy-hannah dates. Our last few weeks, just the two of us. It is not what I had envisioned. It was not what I wanted. And the worst part--- it was not in my control. If you know me at all, you’re probably aware that the two hardest things in the world for me include: accepting help and giving up control. And in that one day I lost all control and became completely dependent upon other people. In a heart beat I would drop anything for someone in need, bring them a meal, watch their kids, fold their laundry--- serve and love on them in whatever way was needed. But, being forced to accept that kind of help myself--- HUMBLED. CHALLENGED.
Although, I’m still challenged and each moment may bring a different emotion, I really cannot communicate the presence of God’s faithfulness. Today I am thirty-four weeks, and at a relatively safe point, which is amazing in and of itself. However, I would not be here without the help, love and prayers of so many people. Almost daily a different person has called and said, “im bringing dinner tonight, what do you want?” We have friends and family who love on our daughter for hours at a time, because I can’t. And number of messages of prayer and “I’m thinking of you’s” bring tears to my eyes. I am truly soooo blessed and so thankful to all of those who have surrounded us during this time.
There is one person though, who I will never be able to repay. My husband. He has stepped up in more ways than I could ever list. He is doing all of his normal tasks---- and taking on mine. He is playing mommy and daddy. He is being the rock for our family. I am soooo blessed by this man God led me to, and so thankful I get to share life with him. He is an amazing father, husband and man of God. Hands down, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be married to him. I know, blaaahhh. But, at this moment in time--- our house would not function without this man. He has not complained once, grumbled once--- but instead rubs my head as I cry, encourages me when I worry, and takes on all the responsibility of our home as though it was always his.
Without a doubt I know that because of this--- my marriage is stronger, my daughters relationship with her daddy is closer, the love we feel from those around us is evident, and maybe--- just maybe, I’m becoming a little better at giving up control.
So to everyone out there who has prayed for this baby, who has stepped-in to our lives in someway--- we are sooo very thankful for you. We are sooo very blessed by you. God has HUMBLED me, and your support means more then we could ever explain (but I had to try).