Humbled.

one. simple. word.

HUMBLED.

After my last post, my post where I felt like “hey, this is hard, there is a lot going on. But I’m treading and surviving.” Yea, that one. God, humbled me. I thought I was on my knees, I thought I was trusting, I thought I was in as deep as I could go---- I was not. We were not.

At thirty-three weeks and two days pregnant--- I went back to the doctor. This is the point where God decided to truly humble me. Upon examination, I had dilated more. A thirty-three weeks, I was already three to four centimeters dilated and contracting regularly. My test came back positive, meaning there was a thirty percent chance that Baby B would come with-in the next fourteen days. At that moment--- everything changed. I went from being more dependent to fully dependent upon everyone who surrounded me.

It hit me hard. I was mad. I was angry with God, and at certain moments I still am. This was going be my time with Hannah. My last few weeks to take her on mommy-hannah dates. Our last few weeks, just the two of us. It is not what I had envisioned. It was not what I wanted. And the worst part--- it was not in my control. If you know me at all, you’re probably aware that the two hardest things in the world for me include: accepting help and giving up control. And in that one day I lost all control and became completely dependent upon other people. In a heart beat I would drop anything for someone in need, bring them a meal, watch their kids, fold their laundry--- serve and love on them in whatever way was needed. But, being forced to accept that kind of help myself--- HUMBLED. CHALLENGED.

Although, I’m still challenged and each moment may bring a different emotion, I really cannot communicate the presence of God’s faithfulness. Today I am thirty-four weeks, and at a relatively safe point, which is amazing in and of itself. However, I would not be here without the help, love and prayers of so many people. Almost daily a different person has called and said, “im bringing dinner tonight, what do you want?” We have friends and family who love on our daughter for hours at a time, because I can’t. And number of messages of prayer and “I’m thinking of you’s” bring tears to my eyes. I am truly soooo blessed and so thankful to all of those who have surrounded us during this time.

There is one person though, who I will never be able to repay. My husband. He has stepped up in more ways than I could ever list. He is doing all of his normal tasks---- and taking on mine. He is playing mommy and daddy. He is being the rock for our family. I am soooo blessed by this man God led me to, and so thankful I get to share life with him. He is an amazing father, husband and man of God. Hands down, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to be married to him. I know, blaaahhh. But, at this moment in time--- our house would not function without this man. He has not complained once, grumbled once--- but instead rubs my head as I cry, encourages me when I worry, and takes on all the responsibility of our home as though it was always his.

Without a doubt I know that because of this--- my marriage is stronger, my daughters relationship with her daddy is closer, the love we feel from those around us is evident, and maybe--- just maybe, I’m becoming a little better at giving up control.

So to everyone out there who has prayed for this baby, who has stepped-in to our lives in someway--- we are sooo very thankful for you. We are sooo very blessed by you. God has HUMBLED me, and your support means more then we could ever explain (but I had to try).

In too deep.

Sometimes life throws us curve balls. In all honesty I feel that when we are really following Him, we are thrown lots of curve balls. Cause lets be real, there is nothing the devil detest more--- then us living fully, whole heartedly, passionately for Him. The amazing thing about our God, is that he uses all our messiness and all our trials for good. He uses it to make us stronger, to make us more Christ-like, to make us grow and experience things that in the end we would never change. The world would tell you, “your in too deep,” but there is nowhere else we should be. Diving deep into life. Sometimes even to the point of treading water to glorify the Lord.

Right now, I’m treading. I have my mouth enough above the water to breath--- but enough of me submerged below to require full and utter trust in the Lord. Its hard. Its tiring. But its full of more blessings then I ever imagined.

Yesterday, we listed our house for sale. No, our new house has not begun construction yet. No, we have no idea when it will. But we are committed to downsizing. To moving to a place in life with less space, less stuff--- and more focus on His Glory. We want to be able to spend freely to bless others. We want to spend time in our home playing with our kids and teaching them about the Lord---- rather then constantly cleaning and “keeping up”. We want to manage our family, not our home. Through this we have been so incredibly blessed. I have amazing in-laws who are letting us live in their finished-garage, during our “in-between” time. Seriously, they are generous crazy enough to let myself, my husband, my 20month old daughter and a newborn live with them--- for an uncertain amount of time.

Just when when the world told us--- “youre in to deep.” Selling a house, moving, having a baby, moving again--- all with lots of uncertain timing. The Lord said--- “you’re not deep enough.” You’re trying to plan, you’re trying to prepare, you’re not fully trusting me in this.

Enter our curve ball.

Friday night I was sent to Labor and Delivery. I was sent there for what we thought was my water starting to break. Praise the Lord my water didn’t break and doesn’t appear to be leaking. However, I am already slightly dilated and contracting on a regular basis. After some testing there is some reassurance that Baby B “should not” enter the world during the next week and a half. However, with my progression and history of an early baby some lifestyle changes were required. This mama is now on minimal activity. That’s right, as little activity as possible, with a 19month old. Funny joke, huh? But once again we have been showered in blessings. People offering meals, offering to come play with our crazy fun loving girl, and offering up lots of prayers. We are grateful, we are overwhelmed, we are blessed.

So yes, by the worlds standards--- we “are in too deep.” Some may even say we are in over our heads. But I think we are right where we are supposed to be. Scare and overwhelmed. But right where we are supposed to be. We are in deep waters, we are treading. I am being stretched to accept more and do less. However--- I feel more blessed then I have in a long time. There is a popular song on Christian radio called “Oceans” by Hillsong. Its fitting for this season in life.

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

I must state that I would not feel this blessed--- if God hadn’t gifted me with an awesome husband. In the last three days, he has prepared our house to sell, stepped up and taken on the role of daddy and mommy, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more--- and most of all supported me unconditionally. I am so very blessed and in love with the man I married. I am a very lucky woman--- and more aware of that then ever before. So Matthew, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are a man of God and over the past few days---- you have stored lots of treasures in heaven!

 

And because a post doesn’t feel complete with out pictures--- here are a few taken on my phone.

Nothing better then listening to your baby’s healthy heartbeat, while sipping on hospital ice and cranberry juice!

This is from today--- I came out of the bathroom to find my husband and quietly come in and made the bed. If you lived in my house--- you would know what a blessing this was. Yes, I cried. I blame it on the hormones.

Anticipation…

There is so much anticipation in pregnancy. Waiting to get to that “safe” point in pregnancy, waiting to see the baby in that first ultrasound, waiting to feel the baby move--- and biggest of all, waiting to meet your little and find out boy or girl! Ali is due at the end of the month with baby number two. With her first coming a little early--- we have been prepared to get a call all week at work, that Baby Cook is on the way! Until then we will wait in anticipation and take maternity photos!

I met Ali approximately 18months ago when bringing Hannah to the doctor. For a while she was one of our nurses--- now she’s a coworker and friend. It has been so much fun to go through pregnancy with someone (our due-dates are about a month apart). Today I was blessed to take some pictures of Ali and big sister Ila. It made for such a great morning. Both Ila and Ali were troopers with the occasional drops of rain, and we got some really great shots. I have no doubt in my mind that Ila is going to be a great big sister and that Ali will taking being a mommy of two littles in stride.

Ali--- thanks for being such a great coworker and friend. I am so very happy for you and cannot wait to meet your newest addition. Play dates with our little’s will be a must while we’re both out on leave in-between eating bon-bons and relaxing of course.

Isn’t she beautiful--- seriously, glowing.

This might be my very favorite.

Love these two--- the pictures and girls, of course!

Congratulations, Cook Family.

Bittersweet.

One word says it all.

Bittersweet.

My baby isn’t a baby.

With each passing day, my baby is getting further and further for being “my baby”. Her vocabulary is expanding faster than I can keep track of. She seems to wake-up each morning full of new words and phrases. For example, this morning as I made her breakfast she called out “HEY, you! Juice Please.” Seriously--- where did that come from? This is not the same child I tucked into bed last night, she’s older, she’s wittier--- she’s not my baby.

This whole growing up thing really sunk in last week. It was a spur of the moment decision but we decided to switch her to a big girl bed. I was a nervous wreck. It’s no secret that my child has a long history of being a horrendous sleeper. Yet, she still liked her crib. Had not even contemplated escaping from her crib. I found comfort in the fact that she was “contained” in her crib. But with Baby B coming and lots of new transitions following we realized if we didn’t switch now, Baby B would be sleeping in a pack n play til it’s first birthday. So I bit the bullet and made the switch.

We talked it up---- big time! Went to the store, let her pick out the sheet for her bed herself. (I may have only given her two choices, but I’ll stick with the story that she picked them herself) As we made her “big girl bed” she played, climbed and got in the way helped. Then I started praying--- cause it was bedtime. The question was--- would bedtime actually involve our child and a bed? I ran through every scenario of her climbing out and coming to visit us, her laying there crying and scared, her playing in her room, just plain old nights of no sleep while we adjusted. We continued with bedtime routine as normal--- read our bible, said our prayers, I climbed in bed with her and she asked for “more Jesus” while I sang. After singing the same song for the third time, I kissed her goodnight, told her I loved her, held my breath and walked out the door. Then---- not another peep. Yep, that’s right. She laid there with her bunny and lovey, and fell blissfully right to sleep.

Meanwhile, I sat out on the couch in tears. Bittersweet tears. My baby wasn’t a baby. My baby didn’t need me. Of course I was overjoyed that we were not battling sleep. I was soooo happy that she felt comfortable in her new bed. But my heart was also heavy. It was a much bigger pill to swallow then I originally thought. It has now been a week, the crib has been taken down, and my little girl is doing amazingly well in her “big girl bed”. I feel almost like a mommy of a newborn again, when I sneak in there during a few naptimes just to watch her sleep like a big girl. Remembering the days when she was just so little. Feeling happy and sad all at the same time.

But I guess that’s life, right. We all grow-up. Things change. We reminisce on things from the past but enjoy the “now” just as much. Each day with my little seems to get better, seems to be more fun, seems to bring some new joy to my heart. Yet, when I stop and think---- my heart can get a little heavy as I realize that time is just going by so very fast.

Bittersweet.

My baby isn’t a baby.

But she is the most special, smart, funny, sweet, and LOVED little girl that I know.

“Jesus loves me, I know, bible tell me…”

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it probably many times over again--- but, I’m astounded at how much my little teaches me. Yes, my little 18month old teaches me. Everyday she convicts me, she encourages me, she inspires me, and she teaches me. Lately I have been worried about teaching her. Teaching her Godly character, teaching her the alphabet, teaching her scripture, teaching her shapes, and most commonly--- teaching her to obey.

These last few weeks have been hard. With a change in my work schedule, growing pregnancy fatigue and an 18month old who is becoming an individual--- lets just say, I was worn down. The enemy got in my head and was making me doubt my adequacy as a mom. Making me question my priorities between work and mom. Making me down-right tired. I was feeling as though I couldn’t keep up as a housewife, as though I was neglecting my role as nurturer and that “disciplining” was over taking my favorite mommy-hannah moments.

Then today, my daughter reminded me the importance of being “with Him”. As I paid close attention to my daughter today, I was in awe of her sweet nature. The way she “ssshhh-sshh’s” her babies, randomly comes over to give me a kiss, or how she says “tank-uoo” (thank you) without any prompting. But today to moment that  really inspired me took place in a moment of mischief. As she sat on the kitchen floor, playing with the salt she had dumped all over the place, she had a song in her heart. As her fingers ran through the salt she sang “Jesus love me, I know, bible tell me, little one belong.” I melted. I sunk to the floor and just watched her. All the sudden disciplining for salt on the floor seemed, unimportant. I just sat there thanking Jesus for a child who already loves Him. Thanking Him for a child who at night repeatedly asks “more Jesus mommy?!?!” (we sing “Jesus loves me” every night before bed).

Thanking Him because I am blessed with an 18month old, who convicts me. Who makes me look in the mirror and ask myself if  I am regularly asking for more Jesus? Am I praising Him in the mundane moments? Am I glorifying Him? So today, in the thick of growing a strong willed toddler, with a “not so perfect” work schedule, and a tired ever growing body---- I am asking for more Jesus. Because that is what I need--- I think that’s what we all need. I am going to walk through my days with a song in my heart, because He loves me, and the bible tells me so. And I am going to hug my sweet child just a little tighter, cause I am so blessed to be her mommy and thankful for all she teaches me.

 

Its becoming real.

Plain and simple--- it’s becoming real. I am more and more aware with each passing day how our lives are about to change. Everyday Baby B becomes more active, almost as if she it is trying to escape. Everyday Hannah becomes slightly more clingy, almost as if she realizes Baby B will be escaping soon (changing her life forever).

When I was pregnant with Hannah---- I was naive. I knew that sleep deprivation was about to come, but had no idea what sleep deprivation really meant. I knew that she would cry, but had no idea she would cry so much it would bring me to tears. I knew she would challenge and convict me, but I had no idea how often I would fall to my knees begging for the Lords guidance and wisdom. Mostly--- I knew that I would love her, but had no idea the depth and impact of that love.

This time around I feel a little more nervous, a lot more anxious to find out the gender, but just as excited. Last night, I laid in bed, wishing I was sleeping. Instead I was listening to my daughter screaming calling for me from her crib. Our separation anxiety has hit an all time high--- those who say kids can’t perceive when another baby is coming, you have not yet met my daughter. Anyways, after three hours when we get her back to sleep--- Baby B decides that’s the perfect opportunity to run a marathon. It became real. It became real that from here on out--- sleep is something that may or more likely, may not happen.

However I could not be more excited to experience a whole new realm of  sleep deprivation. I know this will be a transition for Hannah and myself, but I could not be more excited for that either. Although separating and sharing mommy will be hard--- there is no doubt in my mind that Hannah is going to be an amazing big sister. She loves babies; feeding them, sharing with them, giving them kisses and hugs--- her sweet and loving spirit melts my heart.

So I guess to conclude this mish-mosh of thoughts and emotions, all I can say is that it’s all becoming real. The excitement is real. The nervousness is real. The fear is real. The love is real.

Here are some pictures my sister took for me a little over a week ago---

I love my two littles more then they will ever know!

Madeline Rose

This morning I spent sometime with a very sweet little girl and her amazing mommy. Madeline Rose made her début into the world and my blog last Tuesday, January 14th. She is one precious little lady and I was so blessed to capture her sweetness today during a newborn session. Maddie did great, she was a perfect little model, and I was so blessed by my time with these two Story women.

Kari’s is one of my very best friends, and her friendship blesses me more than she’ll ever know. She is encouraging, caring, supportive and speaks truth so kindly when I need it most. For those of you who know Kari personally--- you know exactly what I am talking about. In this past week, I have been blessed in a whole new way by Kari’s friendship. Witnessing Kari as a mother--- by far the biggest blessing. Madeline Rose is one very lucky girl. She has an amazing mother. And I have been so touched to be able to come alongside Kari (and Gary) and witness the transition to parenthood.

Kari, welcome to the Mommy Club--- it’s a club with a rough induction, requires many hours (and late nights), will bring you to tears (sometimes you won’t even know why), inflict some self-doubt--- but will fill your heart with more love then you ever thought possible. I am so honored to be in this club with you! Thank you for all you’ve done for me and my family. I am so happy for you, and excited to see our littles build a friendship like ours.

And Madeline, welcome to the world sweet thing! It is a bright place, a loud place, a place where people try to make you sleep at night and be awake during the day, but it’s also a place filled with snuggles, cozy blankets and lots of love. I am so glad you are here Maddie and I love you more than you know! I pray that God blesses your every breath and I know that if you follow him, you will do great things in this world!

seriously, sweet.

This teddy bear was her daddy’s--- how sweet is that?!?!

seriously, she’s a beautiful mom!